“Never let a problem to be solved become
more important than a person to be loved.”
Barbara Johnson
American Literary Critic
I saw an empty robin’s nest behind the Yosemite Valley Visitor Center. Tucked safely under the building’s wide eave, the nest rose eight inches or so atop a light fixture protruding from the wall. An impressive collection of large sticks on the bottom of the nest acted as a foundation from which to lay additional nesting material. I could not even imagine how many trips the nesting pair must have performed to produce this handsome structure. Each venture out by the robins to select the perfect nesting items mattered. A return to the nest acted as an opportunity to strategically place or weave together just the right size material at the right time, adding to the visual display of the nesting pair’s teamwork. Little dabs of mud securely glued the intricately placed pieces together, ensuring the durability and long-lasting nature of the abode. Finally, and most importantly, fine dry grass lined the inside “cup” of the nest. It seems like such a simple process, yet the results produced an exquisite addition to the light fixture, serving so many purposes; specially designed to provide warmth, safety, and security for growth and development of life. The whole process reminded me of two individuals who meet and sense an attraction to one another. Sharing may start slowly and big picture communication about likes and dislikes begin to form a foundation for additional visits. Along the way, each person becomes eager to contribute to the relationship in just the right manner at just the right time, be it a word or two, a glance, or a solicitation to keep the process moving forward. As time passes, every shared experience, like a dab of glue, builds strength to the growing relationship.
With the relationship taking on more visible form and shape, finer back-and-forth giving promotes trust. Consequently, the relationship becomes a place itself where warmth, security, and safety are sought and found. Trust turns to hope for the future that a long-lasting and durable union of togetherness will provide an ongoing level of comfort from the harsh realities of the external world and for the maintenance of life. It seems like such a simple process, and, for some, it may prove to be. The more I observed robin nest-building behavior, however, the more preoccupied I became with the complexities of human relationships and their “nest building” activity. We would never observe the female robin carefully putting nest material in place only to have the male of the species take it out and discard it because it was not suitable. The robin mate might reposition the addition a bit, but that’s all part of the teamwork needed in the nest-building process, making the final product all the more extraordinary. Yet, human relationships, with all of its complexities, sometimes seem as if the nest building process is put in reverse. I recently read that, in Luxembourg, almost 9 out of 10 marriages end in divorce (87%). Plus, marriages are down in that country as many are now “cohabiting” with one another, making it easier for couples to find ways to separate from one another as they give up on the “nest” building process. I wondered how the initial comfort produced by the married pair could reverse in such drastic numbers. True, many reasons exist for people to marry, adding to the rarity of long-lasting unions, but, overall, according to a Pew Research Study, 90% of married individuals get married for “love” and 75% of people living together do so for “love.” This suggests that the comfort and companionship that comes from a union of two people guide the future hopes of a staying-power in the relationship. It should not surprise anyone that the breakdown of relationships begins in the most important part of the “nest”, the inner workings designed for maximum warmth, safety, and security. While one partner might continue to build the nest, the other, for whatever reason, might inadvertently be taking each piece away that the other places. Alain de Botton, in his 2016 NY Times article on marriage, reports that difficulties in marriages occur “because we have a bewildering array of problems that emerge when we try to get close to others. We seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well.” He continues, “Perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us or can relax only when we are working; perhaps we’re tricky about intimacy after sex or clam up in response to humiliation . . . The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities”. With ongoing dashed expectations infiltrating the relationship, the overwhelming number of interactions between the married pair no longer keep the nest building process moving forward. Rather, strained interactions begin the deconstruction of the marriage’s inner “nest.” Slowly but surely, trust fails and hope for better times ahead fade away. Where warmth, safety, and security found its way into each person’s heart, suddenly the marital pair find themselves amidst cold, anxious, and bitter interactions. Consequently, the structure of the nest loses its shape and form and no longer becomes suitable for the growth and development of life. Yes, the “big sticks” of the relationship, such as maintenance of similar likes and dislikes, may still exist. However, sharing such likes and dislikes in an environment that lacks warmth, kindness, and compassion is unlikely to occur, depriving the marital pair of even more shared experiences. Botton concludes by saying that “Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.” In other words, allowing a partner to place a piece of nesting material in a way that the other person might find incorrect, useless, or ill-fitting, must occur without judgment. Viewing each person’s contribution to the relationship as a robin mate might do, that is, acceptable and suitable is essential. Every allowance for one’s mate’s annoying behavior enhances compatibility, adding back the safety, security, and warmth in the relationship. Although robins may rear up to three broods and then abandon the nest to start again the following spring, humans must exhibit a readiness to continue to contribute to the nest-building activity for its long-term survival. The finer details of extending courtesies, kindnesses, forgiveness, all aid in allowing the married pair to build a marriage with shape and form that works toward the growth and development of life. Such contributions add to a marriage in ways that can be far more impressive than a robin’s nest.
~
Pictured Below: The soft inner workings of a California Towhee's nest designed by both mates to promote the growth and development of life.
Comments