“He who is brave is free” ― Seneca
There they go again, that family. There are so many of them. I think I remember them from last year walking along Chilnualna Falls Road. They look a little taller and a little older.
I remember that one kid, the one that keeps looking over this way. I wonder if he remembers seeing me from past summers out here on this deck in my sleek-looking gurney and my awesome mosquito net draped over my head. I make a fashion statement that’s pretty hard to forget.
Not that they would ever think of coming near and speaking to me. I have frightened more than a few since my condition has progressed to where I can only grunt and move my facial muscles. Most people are not comfortable being around someone with whom they cannot communicate, nor with someone who has a condition they cannot explain. Believe me, I know.
That would take some bravery, I suppose, to reach out to someone with whom communicating exceeds one’s current knowledge base. Even when encountering a person who speaks a different language, people manage to successfully get their thoughts across using all sorts of physical gestures and gyrations that may be needed. But speaking to an individual who cannot make the necessary gestures and the facial reactions to convey a message can require some bravery indeed.
Speaking of bravery, I have had to develop a bit of that since being diagnosed with ALS. In no uncertain terms, my prognosis is death. The timing may be unknown but I can sense its arrival making haste.
Being out here in on the deck in Wawona during the cool of the evening, however, stretches time. There is so much to see. The squirrels scramble to ‘squirrel’ away their precious finds. Sometimes they will forgo their saving routine and gorge themselves on those precious nuts while high up in the treetops. The pine cone wrapping paper they discard floats down on top of me like miniature helicopters. They dirty up my white sheets and make it appear as if I just returned from an all-day hike in the forest. That’s okay, though, because I like them bringing the forest to me and engaging me without fear of my condition. I have always felt a part of the forest on Chilnualna Falls Road.
The blue jays like to dirty me up too, but their deposits are not so welcomed. Sometimes it seems my white sheets are a target for their air bombs. I’d squawk back at them if I could, but I try and stay focused on what I can do. I settle for viewing their droppings as contributions toward making me feel a part of the forest too. I choose to view what they leave behind as being of equal value to what the squirrels have gifted me.
Of course, being here on the deck I get to see all who pass by on Chilnualna Falls Road, like that big family that I frequently see walk by and the other visitors that come to Wawona as a part of their stay in Yosemite. They too seem to enjoy the freedom that comes from walking along Chilnualna Falls Road.
In fact, my father calls Chilnualna Falls Road “the road to freedom.” When I asked him why, he said that this road will “take you wherever you wish to go if you have a sense of direction of where you want to be.”
I often think about his words these days and back to the times when I wandered freely on Chilnualna Falls Road and bravely followed where it took me. For example, if I encountered a deer and her fawns, I’d veer from the road and quietly meander behind them like a native forest dweller myself. No matter where I ended up and how far I might have traveled in the forest, every destination became a place I wished to be.
If a bear rumbled through the neighborhood, I would follow at a safe distance as far as it would go, without disturbing it, watching and observing. I’d go wherever and whatever direction it went in without any fear. And wherever that bear and I ended up, that too was a place where I wished to be.
I look upon Chilnualna Falls Road with fondness and am grateful for the freedom it brought me. Now, however, I am traveling down another road, although not by choice. One could say that it too is a freedom road and a road that requires more bravery than ever before. Even though I do not know what the next turn in this road will bring, I accept where it is taking me and continue traveling forward.
Few others accompany on this road, but as long as I can be out here with the forest creatures who come to visit me, I am content. I’ll happily accept the parts of the forest they bring to me. I’ll watch and observe them move freely along Chilnualna Falls Road. I’ll bravely move forward with them and follow them as happily as I can, knowing that where ever they take me, that will be a place I wish to be.
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